Holy Fucking Cats!

Late, late, late, late entry, but oh, so welcome. Ladies and gentlemen:

Steve Reding!

For those of you who don't know Steve Reding, let me just describe him a little. He's like Santa Claus (non-Tim Allen version) and your funny great uncle all rolled into one. Regardless of which style he gets, he's going to look like Papa Smurf. I swear, if he comes in for Check-In sporting blue skin and a red hat, I'm handing over the trophy right then and there.

This is nearly the best news I've gotten all year. A close second to finding out that they busted the syndicate that stole my kidneys, a finger, three toes, my Isles of Langerhans, and my wallet.

Maximum Check-In Sideburn Length

Have I mentioned that Wednesday is Check-In Day? Have I mentioned it a thrillion times? Good. This is a thing I like to call Covering My Ass, or Shifting The Responsibility To You. If you come in on Wednesday unprepared for your Check-In, who's fault is it now? That's right! It's yours! Fantastic.

It's not enough to just shave your face clean for your first Check-In. No. You also need to trim your sideburns to regulation length. What is the allowed length? Check the graphic below for a visual representation.


You know that little tab in your ear area that looks like it's more attached to the head than the ear? The one that faces backwards and kind of covers up your ear canal a little? Yeah, that one. I'm not sure what else it's supposed to do on Earth, but it's chief function is to guide you to your Maximum Check-In Sideburn Length. Your sideburns should not be longer than halfway down the little tab, which is the area indicated by the line on the monkey. Don't touch the monkey!! For the love of Pete, just look.

Wednesday is the Day One Mantastic 2008 Photographic Check-In And Style Choosing Day! Come in clean shaven with your sideburns shortened appropriately. Don't chimp it all up! The Funky Presidents wouldn't.